Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist

Ok, so like 3 days ago I decided to start Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist. I honestly wasn’t sure if I’d like it, I thought is was kind of a weird premise, a girl who could hear what people were singing without them knowing. Really? And I love musicals, so you would think me of all people would jump on it. But I didn’t and then a really good friend of mine started talking about the last episode and how amazing the show was, so I was like fine, I’ll give it a try. Let me just say wow, I was not ready to be so moved by a silly TV show, especially one I thought was just a comedy. If I knew it was a drama, I probably would have never given it a chance. I’ve kind of been over dramatic shows lately, I just feel like it’s the same thing over and over again and I just want everyone to stop whining. But this show was different. My guess it’s on the more of a dramady category. I mean, you go from one scene where she’s hearing a silly song from a coworker who just wants to win at everything, and then a few moments later she’s at her parents house, dealing with the very serious health decline of her father. It’s so beautiful. If you haven’t watched it, I highly recommend it, but I do have one disclaimer. If you’ve gone through the loss of someone very close to you, it’s going to bring up a lot of feelings you may not have realized you bottled up.

Three years ago, on May 5th, I lost my Aunt Kelly. It was seemingly out of nowhere. She was healthy in January, and by May she was gone. I felt like that time flashed by in an instant. She had just got done planning my wedding, opened up her own party planning business and started coming up with ideas for my foster brother’s wedding, and the next thing we knew she was confined to a hospital bed, not really there most of the time. It will probably always be some of the hardest months of my life. But during that time, I don’t think I allowed myself to really feel the gravity of loosing someone I loved so much. I mean even years before that when I lost my aunt Lee, or last summer, when I love my cousins Will and Amanda within a month of each other, I know I cried a lot, but I don’t think I really took the time to grieve what happened. I think that’s how I get through these tough things, I cry and then wipe my tears and put on a smile, never really allowing myself to feel the weight of loosing them. With Lee, I was only 19, I was still so immature. Even at that age, I don’t think I really grasped the idea of loosing someone. Then when Kelly got sick I was 26, and I spent most of my time just praying she would get better, that when she finally passed, I was in such disbelief. Even to this day, I still have moments where I forget she’s not here. Then when I lost Will and Amanda this summer, it was all such a blur, and I was stuck in a deep depression, I don’t think I knew how to grasp their deaths. Especially with all of them dying and fairy young ages.

So there I was on Sunday, expecting to relax after a long day at work, eat dinner and enjoy a new show. Then I found myself grieving about so many different things. If you read my first post, you know that Sunday was already a hard day for me with it being Mother’s Day, and my having a breakdown about not being a mother yet. But that day was also my cousin Amanda’s birthday, and a few days before that was the anniversary of loosing my Aunt Kelly, two things I regrettably tried to avoid. Then I turned on a show that brought me face to face with the memories of watching these people I loved so much deteriorate in front of my eyes. Memories I thought I locked away deep inside, never to face again.

I thought I might stop watching it, but it was so good and I just had to find out what was going to happen between Zoey, Max, Simon, and all the great characters in this show. So I kept watching. Sure I cried here and there in those moments when Zoey was with her father and of course in the one’s when she saw him sing, but they seemed to be equaled by the moments I smiled and laughed. By Monday night I was already done with 8 episodes, turned it off and said to myself, after school in the morning, I would definitely have time to finish the last 4. I knew her dad would probably die in the last episode, but as each one went one, I begged the writers to keep him alive because I wasn’t sure if I could watch those moments of his last days. But he kept deteriorating, and even still, they were able to show moments of beauty in the last days you have with someone. Those moment that will forever be ingrained in your memories and that you’ll look back on smiling, because you were able to show them your love. I know one of my last moments with Kelly will always be a happy one, she was lucid for just a minute or two of our conversation, but even that short time and the words exchanged will be on my heart.

Maybe a little reluctantly I continued watching this morning, something I rarely do. I try to spend my mornings studying, listening to music or podcast or even a book on audible. But I just had to watch how it ended and I’m so glad I did. It may have been one of the most real depictions of a person dying I’ve ever seen on tv. I mean sure, I’ve watched Grey’s Anatomy and watched people die, but they were nothing like this. Because this showed what a family does in those last moments. How precious the time left it. And how real the concept of time passing really it. Time. It’s so easily wasted, but when the doctor says there’s only a certain amount left, it holds a heavier value. It was a wonderful reminder to me, especially with 30 quickly approaching, time is not always on our side, so you can’t waste a moment. And with all that going through my head, I cried. No, let me rephrase that, I sobbed, on and off, while I watched those last 4 episodes. I finally let myself feel the gravity of those losses. I let myself think about those times I locked away that I wanted to forget. I faced the monster that time can be, and I’m so grateful for it.

I never thought a silly show about a girl who could hear people sing to her would move me so much, but it did. And it’s because she can hear the music, or as she calls it, people heat songs, that allowed me to feel on a whole new level. It’s honestly what made me decide to write my blog on Sunday, my emotions where out on my sleeves and I couldn’t keep them in anymore. That may be the biggest lesson I’ve ever taken for a tv show or movie. Locking away the hard times is only a disservice to yourself, and grieving is ok. It’s the only way to move on. I mean what do people always say, they good times can’t be as god if there are no hard times to remind you how lucky you are for the good ones. I was finally able to grief today and it felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. One of the most beautiful moments in that last episode, and I’m just going to be honest, the whole last episode was stuffed with amazing moment, but it was when she is talking with her dad’s caregiver, and she asks him if it’s finally time for her to ask him about what death is like. He says to her, “Death is hideous and ugly and grotesque, and wildly, wildly unfair... or maybe, death is beautiful and spiritual and transcendent and sometimes a very necessary and very freeing escape from our physical bodies when they are no longer habitable”. She asks him how she should look at it, then her mother walks in and he never gets the chance to answer.

As I heard that perspective of death, at first I was like absolutely the first one. Death is terrible, unfair, and rips away a piece of you that you’ll never get back. Then I cried some more and thought deeper into the second part of it. For the people I lost, particularly Lee, Kelly, and Amanda, death brought them peace after fighting a battle for their life. I can’t imagine the pain they were going through while they were sick, and maybe them dying was what they needed because their bods were no longer habitable. I don’t know, maybe that’s morbid or something, but it does bring me peace to know they are at peace. No longer fighting the battle of disease. And even though he was so young, maybe Will’s passing brought him peace.

Death is hard. It’s something I never really had to face when I was younger, and then all of a sudden, it was there, in my face and I pushed it away, not wanting to show how it rocked me. I wanted to be strong, but strength comes from our weak moments. The moments when we’re not sure if we can take another step, but we do anyway. Life doesn’t stop because of death, but as I’ve learned recently, it’s better to face it and own your feelings, then to bottle it up. Because who knows, maybe you too will turn on a show you think is going to be silly, only to find yourself face to face with the things you’ve been holding onto for too long. Just know it’s ok to be weak. It’s ok to cry, or in my case sob uncontrollably. It’s ok to not be ok. You can’t always be strong, and it’s amazing what you learn about yourself in those hard times. You learn your character and more deeply the person you are. But if you put a wall up, like I did, you miss all of that beautiful self discovery, and that monster time, will eventually catch up to you and you’ll be kicking yourself you didn’t allow the grieving to happen sooner.

Well, it’s way past my bedtime, I have to be alert for school in the morning, but I hope this helped someone, or at least opened you up to watching this show. It’s really quite good, and I’m very picky. Let’s just be real, I will usually opt to rewatch The Office over continuing most shows I start but never finish. Like This is Us. I mean, I like it, but man, it’s mostly the heavy, and I just can’t always handle the heavy. Well maybe now that I’ve have quite the emotional release, I can give it another try. Lord knows I’ve tried many times to catch up to Grey’s Anatomy, another one I just can’t with most days, but that’s more because of the drama in the hospital. I mean is that really how hospitals are, because I doubt it. Anyways, back to me talking about going to bed. Alright that really needs to happen now. I truly hoped this helped someone. Thanks for reading, and I guess I wasn’t kidding when I said these were going to be all over the place.

Love,

Rene