Mother’s Day
Well, here I am, at 11:09 pm on Mother’s Day 2020, feeling nauseous and crying, not cause I’ve lost my mother or anything, but because here I am on another Mother’s Day, and I am not a mother. It sucks, not many people around me seem to know what I’m going through, I am apparently friends with the MOST fertile people in the world. I swear, these days I can’t go one week without either someone I know announcing that they are pregnant, or announcing the arrival of their baby. Apparently, if you want a kid, just become my facebook friend, and you’re sure to get pregnant. And I still do the congratulating thing because honestly, I am truly happy for them, I can’t wait to be a mother that when someone I know becomes one, I just get so filled with joy that I have to tell them. So I say congrats with a smile on my face, and then, seemingly out of no where, and always when I am trying to fall asleep, I cry. Just to myself. Most nights my husband doesn’t know because he’s already asleep, and no I don’t fault him for being asleep and I don’t wake him up. He wakes up at 5 am everyday, for a job he doesn’t exactly love, just to support us so I can go back to school to pursue my dream of becoming a massage therapist and lets just be real, my part time job as a cashier at Fresh Thyme, isn’t doing much to add to our budget except getting us a discount on groceries. But he does it, everyday. Wakes up long before he would like to, going to deliver water, a literal back breaking job, for me, and I love and respect him for it. So no, when I get all teary eyed, I don’t even think to wake him up. Plus, he knows how hard this is for me. Hell, it’s pretty hard on him too. I don’t think that’s something people talk about often, they talk about the woman who’s struggling to get pregnant, but not the husband who can’t wait to be a father. I mean, he’s turning 34 and I’m turning 30 this year, we kind of want this kid thing to happen sooner rather then later. We talk often about how both our hearts break a little, when we see a couple with their child, no matter what age. We know that’s what we want, and it’s frustrating that it hasn’t happened yet. It also hurts him to watch me watching mother’s with their children. He often leans over and tells me what a wonderful mom I’ll be soon, and that is the best gift I could ask for in those moment of longing, wanting to be that mom wit her baby.
So here I am, writing to all of you, in my moment of weakness, crying at another Mother’s Day gone by, asking God why I can’t hold a baby of my own and celebrate the gift of being a mother. Getting frustrated when people say, well you have a fur baby so happy Mother’s Day. As much as I love our dog Baxter, I want him to experience a human sibling before he passes. He’s going to be 12 this year, he’s not getting any younger. And to be honest, neither are my parents or Adam’s parents. I mean, we are blessed with a niece on Adam’s side and one more on the way. We adore the one we have and I am sure the it’ll be the same for the next one. I know Adam’s parents love their grand daughter and are excited for their next one, but I want my parents to be able to adore their grand children too. Time keeps going by, and this year will be our 4 year wedding anniversary, and it will be 4 years of trying with nothing happening. A pretty silent battle that not many people know I’ve been on. And that’s my fault. How can anyone feel open to talking about how hard this is, when I’ve been struggling for years and just keep putting on a happy face in hopes no one will know. And when they ask, “when do you two plan on starting a family”, I just smile and say “we’re working on it”, only to get “well isn’t that the fun part” said in return. I just want to scream, “NO! This is not the fun part. It’s not fun getting to a point where I am scared to pee on a stick when signs of pregnancy in my body happen because I am not sure how many times I can handle seeing the words ‘Not pregnant’ come up on that thing”. But I don’t yell at them because let’s be real, they don’t know my story because I haven’t said anyhing. So I smile and laugh and change the subject. Oh, my other favorite questions I get is, “Noticed you weren’t drinking tonight, any reason why, wink wink” as if the fact that I never drank at parties before I was married just went right out the window. Like all of a sudden the vows were said and he put a ring on my finger, it changed who I was as a person and made me want to drink more. Was I really that invisible before I was married that no one noticed I don’t really drink. Again, not their fault, I mean, I didn’t think it was that unnoticeable that I didn’t drink, but apparently I was wrong.
This is not meant to be a bash fest against anyone, honestly, these are just things that piss me off, but then I remember, no one really know’s and they won’t know, unless I share my story. I just want to be a mom. And I would also appreciate these random people who keep asking me if I have one on the way to stop that. Haven’t we made it clear as a society that unless a woman is literally pushing the baby out of her, you don’t ask that questions. Apparently not, or at least recently people have forgotten that. Look, I know I am overweight, it is something I am working on. I want to be healthier for myself. I struggle with something called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, PCOS, it’s the reason I struggle with fertility and one of the symptoms can be weight gain. So I’m working on it, and it has taken me a long time to get honest with myself and have a mirror moment. You know, one of those moments when you tell yourself enough is enough, time to grow up and take some personal responsibility over your own life. Has it been easy, no, but I’ve been living healthier and loosing weight and it’s great. But when a random stranger asks me if I know the sex yet while I’m at work, I just don’t know what to do with that. So I usually just say, “oh, um, I’m not pregnant” which they of course get super embarrassed and run off as soon as their transaction is done. And honestly, I’ve learned to laugh at things, it’s my defense mechanism, I was never really bullied much as a kid, but of course I would fight with my brother. And until about 8th grade, I would get so upset by mean things he would say, and then one day, I laughed with him, because he was kind of right and what he said was funny. After that, we got along much better, and if people at school were ever mean, I just laughed about it. They stopped. So that’s what I’ve learned to do, laugh, because their opinion isn’t my business. And in the moment, I do laugh it off. But as more and more sticks say “not pregnant”, I lay in bed at night, shedding tears, for the baby that’s not in my arms yet.
I don’t say these things for sympathy, I have just decided to take some control over what happening, because laying in bed, crying to myself can’t be the best way to get through this. And I love my friends, but none of them are really in baby making mode yet, so maybe I can bond with a new friend or 2, who may know this pain and may be going through it as well. It’s not too crazy of an idea, I recently made a friend with a woman in the UK going through IVF right now. I haven’t gotten that far yet, I only have done one round of fertility meds which my doctor wouldn’t renew because a pandemic broke out.... so yeah.... that’s... great. I won’t go on a rant about any of this but I will say one thing. My biggest frustration is that I tried for years to get pregnant, but nothing happens, I finally go to the OB/GYN, a place I have not felt comfortable for a while because I was told, well 26 is still young, come back in a year or 2 and maybe then we’ll explore options. I faced my fear, and went back, I dis the things that were asked of me, only to wait 4 month for a follow-up appointment just to get the prescription. Then I get one month in to the first round of medication and this crap happens so I get taken off them, but I look around and life is still going on. My parents are still getting older, Adam and I are still struggling mentally with this, half the people I know are getting pregnant, and now I am sitting here, on another Mother’s Day, the day before when my follow-up appointment was supposed to be to talk about next steps whether I did or didn’t get pregnant, and I am no closer to having a baby. Part of me wishes I could go back to my 26th year old self and say, just get a second opinion, start trying now, don’t wast the time. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t do nothing, in the past 4 years I did start seeing an acupuncturist and chiropractor regularly. Do I love getting poked with needles on a weekly basis, absolutely not and I honestly hate needles, like a lot, so this is kind of a big deal and I wouldn’t be doing it if I didn’t fully believe it has changed my life immensely. But I can’t go back, so I’ll just keep moving forward.
So here I am, at... oh boy, it’s 12:45 am, I need to be up at 5:30 to drive Adam to work, oh well... Let’s start that sentence over. So here I am, on this journey of healing. I usually pick a word at the beginning of every year and this year, I just couldn’t. I was so defeated that I couldn’t bring myself to pick one. But I’m picking one now, almost half way through the year, and it’s a word that’s hung around with me for about 10 years now. JOURNEY. I know, I know, it’s not a typical word like healing, that was my 2019 word, well health, but same thing. And 2018 was intention. But I think Journey is the perfect word for this year. I have so many things I want to share with the world, and I think it’s time I start sharing them. So I hope you’ll join me on this journey, I don’t know where it’s going, I don’t know how often I’ll update it or what I’ll even talk about. I mean clearly fertility is a big one for me, but I feel like there’s so much more of my life I want to share. I’m sick of sitting on the sidelines watching everyone do these cool things, I want to join in the fun. And on this journey, hopefully I can encourage someone or put a smile on their face, and if you’ve made it this far, you’re such a beautiful person. Thank you!
Love,
Rene
